First thing first. Stop bringing her up. I mean really. You know that I am so incredibly jealous of her. And you know why. For fuck’s sake two people asked us how long we had been dating last night. And your coworker and her sister told you that it is obvious that I really love you. But even someone from the outside saying they see how much I love you doesn’t change anything, does it? Today, I have done just the same as I have always done for you. Gotten you food, water, anything you ask me for. I did ask for one thing from you because I was feeling so terribly sick and just wanted some comfort. And you complied, albeit begrudgingly. Made me feel like I was forcing you to do it.
And this morning, I saw that ridiculously stupid bracelet on the floor of your bedroom. The bedroom we share, every night. And I was so so happy. I thought maybe you were going to end things with her. And that I might be getting a second chance. I don’t understand why you feel like we don’t work.. I would rather be jealous of you sleeping with another girl for a short while, never meeting her, or seeing you flirt with her, and know that you will come back to me at the end of the night, than sit here, loving you all the time, and seeing you flirt and hearing you fuck someone else.
The only reason I am even talking to other guys, is to make you jealous. I could give a rat’s ass about any of them. Each and every guy I even meet I immediately compare to you to see if they live up to what my standards have become. None do. There is no one like you to me, B. I love you so much. And I will continue loving you until my last breath. Til then I will keep taking care of you and showing you that not everyone is going to use you and desert you.
Please, Don’t Touch The Puppet
you disregard everything i say and feel. “its not love, its obsession.” Of course you’re right. You’re always right. But I love you and I miss you. I miss being happy together. You complain about your druggie girlfriend and her friends. Have you noticed you tend to go for the druggies? My theory is that you feel like because that’s all you deserve. You deserve the ones who will choose drugs over you because your father chose Drugs over you growing up. I am still here for you. I’m the one making you dinner. Cleaning your living room. Doing your laundry. Sleeping beside you at night curled up close. We live like a couple. But you fuck her. That is the only difference in how we live. It’s still a one sided relationship with me loving you. But “You can’t handle talking or dealing” with me and my feelings about you. LOOK WHOS POSTING SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE NOW. YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL MOTHER FUCKER. i hate how much I still love you. but it is so fucking hard to get over you. especially when I take care of you. and now you’re going over there. again tonight. So again tonight, i’m sleeping alone. Forever, I am sleeping alone. There when you need me. Then easily put up upon the shelf. An easy thing to break promises and plans to. After all, why would you have to keep plans and promises to a little puppet?
Gifts
So I came up with what I thought was a perfect gift or B’s birthday (it was also a gift to me). And now he is saying not to worry about it because he is probably working on his birthday, And that I should just forget about it. Well fuck that! I still wanna do it, even if it’s not for his birthday! but seeing as I am slightly drunk right now, I can’t clearly express that to the big doof. But I still love him.
Musings
I know I am only 19 years old. And I know that I will meet many more people in my life. But Right now, I am so happy with the one I am with. I truly love B. And despite my being only 19 years old, I can see such an amazing future with this man, I love him with all my heart, and if he asked me right now, I would without a doubt marry him. My only desire is to love him and take care of him. To be with him fully and to make him happy. Because that is what makes me happy. When he smiles, or tells me I have done well at a task, or that he is proud of me, even when we are just talking about our favorite (and my first) video game. I don’t know if he reads this, but, B if you do stumble across this page, know that I love you and will be here with you, glad that I am sitting next to you for this crazy ride of life for as long as we are together.
you won’t let me say it anywhere, you don’t know about this blog. B, i will be there for you always. Today, tomorrow, july 24, 2020. I am not going to throw you away, I have been thrown away my entire life, and i will never do that to someone else. I still love you. and I will probably love you until one of us is no longer here on this earth
What The Hell Man?
I finally get you to admit you like me. quote ‘really like me’. Which has made me soo happy these past few days. YET. And I am not proud of my methods, it will probably get me into a lot of trouble, I will mention to you I am in a rather frisky mood, and do you know what you say? You say that you aren’t exactly in the mood right now. Later, when you forget to close out the web pages, I happen to see you talking to other women about being your misstress, I don’t care about that, I think that is sexy as hell. Then I remember you are lying to me. I don’t care if you are with other people, as long as you are with me too. You say you want to just pick someone and be in a monogamous relationship, well to be honest, it looks like I am the best candidate for the position. But the choice is up to you. I don’t want to tell you you have to choose by the time C gets back, because then I am afraid that you will automatically choose her. Please don’t choose her. I love you, B.
Those Random Cravings
Some people crave things like ice cream, or crappy movies. I crave sex. The feeling of being filled sends me over the edge in more ways than one. I love being fucked. Any and every way. I love exploring the ways two (or more) people can please and tease themselves and each other. Watching my partner’s face as I please him/her to the point they feel the ultimate release gives me a thrill..
What is Lacking?
Why does it feel like you will go to any and all other people before you will consider me? At times it seems you care about me, and it is great. It makes me feel so incredible to think you have feelings for me, but when I bare my heart and soul to you, and ask for two things, I asked if you had feelings for me at all, and I asked why you will never give me a chance. but you know what no one reads this. It doesn’t change anything. and hey! its not like this blog is contributing to the betterment of anything. Fuck, I’m not contributing good or bad to the world. If I wasn’t such a pussy. I would have finished everything by now. I just don’t know how….
What To Expect
I have realized something today. I have never not had to deal with some kind of rejection in some way shape or form. before I was even born, my mother rejected me, didn’t want me, so she put me up for adoption. She took me back (we will never know if this was the right choice), my sister rejected me all through out childhood, and my father? Well, he just stole my childhood and helped me get a bag full of emotional issues that made me a bigger target for rejection from my peers. In school, I was never the pretty, popular girl. But I didn’t even have friends. Ever…in my entire life I would honestly say I have had one real friend. This, if you haven’t paid any attention to anything I have ever written on here, is B. I never really had a relationship. Any feelings toward a male have been rejected. But the worst rejection that I ever experienced was listening to everyone else’s advice, I told B how I feel. I told him that I love him for him. When he says that he can’t give me what I want, I continued to be honest and told him that the only thing I want is him. But he is taken. Taken by a person who makes absolutely no effort to see him (I spend more time with him than she does hands down). A person who, from the outside looking in, doesn’t really care about him, who just likes the idea of having him so that no one else can. But this is not the point. the real point is that B has told me point blank that if he could he would give me a chance, but because of her he can’t. I don’t care if it is a poly-amorous relationship that we would have, just to know that he cared about me too would.. no he is right. it would just give me hope. fuck hope. im done. everytime I put myself out there I get hurt even more. I’m done getting hurt. I am done sharing my emotions, if I am attracted to a person, then I will definitely participate in the activities of whatever, but I am not letting anyone close again. The only person I want to have that kind of control over me has let me know that for the foreseeable future, me and he will never be WE. fuck my life, i just want to end everything.
What is the Point?
I don’t see a point in continuing anything anymore. I can keep up appearances for so long, but eventually the mask upon my face will crack, and there is not enough duct tape in the world to fix it again. So as I break, I take the blade in my hand and press it into my skin. You don’t have a say anymore. You never really had a say, Except the one I gave you. I have given power to everyone in my life and kept little for myself. I am a pet, a puppet. A thing on strings. Tonight, I want to see if those strings bleed like I do once they’re cut.
just my blog thing 